Airport Anthropology

After reading last week’s ever-scintillating articles, I’m going to outdo myself and write something equally as fascinating. Forgive the senior in me. Good news is, I did not save more money on my car insurance, but I did lose a lot of weight by drinking last week… thanks Odyssey! People watching is my all-time favorite sport, and the best arena for it is el aeropuerto, no matter which one you’re in. After forgoing a traditional road trip (heard I missed 23 hours of people screaming, “Ooookeeeechhoooobeeeee”) to Frat Laud for Spring Brah (is that fratspeak? or simply Fast Times at Ridgemont High?) and receiving the blessed birthday gift of a plane ticket, I was recently able to ponder the below statements. Ladies and gentlemen, the most fascinating airport personalities…

1. Those rockin’ the SARS masks: SARS died off in the early 2000’s right? So why do people still find it necessary to wear this thin layer of protection when traveling? All we can see is how much they blink, and it makes me feel like I am a dirty disease carrier since I’m not wearing one…they’re obviously protecting themselves from the un-masked individuals. I get it, the bacon flu is still out to get us, and airports are probably the germiest places on earth, besides that one guy in your house you won’t play beer pong with. So maybe they’re ahead of the next deadly-virus game, but it still doesn’t excuse the creepiness level.
2. Church groups who have never flown before: They’re likely going on a mission trip, and they’re probably wearing some sort of khakis and a collared shirt, matching, with nametags. The age group most popularly seems to be high school kids, and for some reason, I see a lot of innocent flirting occurring before the actual plane-boarding process…backpack hiding, shoulder touching, and in rare cases, games of tag. They’re going somewhere exotic (Ecuador, Somalia) so hey, why not let their hair down?
3. That person who always has to get off the plane first, even if they’re in the back: When you hear the unmistakable ding of the unfasten seatbelt sound, most people stay seated, the aisle seat will sometimes stand up for leg-stretching sake, but then you have the go-getter, most often not seated towards the front of the plane. They have gathered their magazines, water bottle, what have you, and opened the overhead bin faster than you could throw the airplane blanket off of you. Their carry ons are attached to the hip, and they’re squeezing around people to get to the front of the line. I’m always doubtful these people are even making a connection (though I have been this person at one point…ten minutes to connect and my speedy deplaning allowed me enough time to get a CinnaMonster…BAM!). I think they’re just anal.
4. High school or small college athletic teams: Generally traveling in big packs, generally men (though the softball teams are unmistakable…so many French braids!) with clean-cut hair and bad shoes. They always wear headphones too. And have duffle bags; rarely backpacks. They migrate together and can often be spotted having lunch or dinner at the airport Chili’s.
5. Families with emo kids: There’s always one in the family, never multiple, and the family is generally doing something normal like looking at the newsstand, playing cards together, reading while they wait, getting caramel corn (why are there always popcorn stands in airports?!). This kid, along with their black and insert-bright-ironic-color-here hair color and slumped against a wall, knees up, listening to music on their massive headphones. Those passing by can usually hear their music loud and clear. They simply do not want to go on vacation. Imagine them on a cruise, or doing a family horse back ride on the beach? Oh well, mom packed extra sunblock.
6. The person you’re afraid to fall asleep around when you’re sitting next to them: On my way back from Florida, I was blessedly seated in an exit row. I was also thinking, five minutes before we were due to take off, that I would have an open seat next to me. Not the case. A woman with a head full of scrunchies (I said head full…) blasted onto the plane, bawling, chunky black eyelashes leaking mascara down her cheeks. She parked herself next to me. She was wearing five sweaters (a Florida resident), was twitching, and mumbling, “there is a God” over and over. The flight attendant asked if we were okay in an exit row…she responded that she couldn’t help if we were over an ocean “due to her past life.” She also asked the flight attendant if he was the captain of the plane and if she could see the inside of the cockpit. She promptly ordered two beers, popped some pills, and asked me to read her the time on her watch. I woke up to find her leaning forward and looking at me, unblinking. I’ve also sat near a man who claimed to be receiving satellite signals from aliens (you can’t make this stuff up), kept hitting his head against the window, and putting ice cubes in the highly-hairsprayed hair of the woman in the seat in front of him. He was arrested when we got off the plane.

Published: March 31, 2010