What I Learned in College

I’m going to go ahead and preface this by saying that most of what I learned in college was not a result of attending classes (though my 7:30 sex class freshman year was definitely attended). When my parents dropped me off freshman year, my sister handed me a wrapped package; it was a shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch (still wore it then, hmm, it’s a sign of the times) that said, “College: Never Really Awake, Never Really Asleep.” Also included was another shirt that simply said, “Careful, I had a bowl of bitchy for breakfast,” but I find this to be beside the point.

I laughed the college shirt off as bizarre, but now, four years later, I fully understand it. College has undoubtedly been the best time of my life thus far. I’m getting ready to move to Baton Rouge for Teach For America, so I’m sure that will at least be equally life changing, but there are different rules to play by in the real world. For example, I was pondering today whether or not pre-gaming would be considered normal before the bars. Is there every an age you’re just too “old” to bong a beer? I just imagine all my new cronies I meet in Cajun Country going to judge me when they come over to my house and see I have a beer bong laying out in the kitchen, ready to be used. Is there ever an age it’s time to put the bong away? Will they understand the life of a Northern sorority girl? I guess I can always take comfort in knowing anything and everything will be appropriate during Mardi Gras. So, for my last time, ladies and gentlemen….what I learned in college:

1. Anything can be made into a drinking game. My freshman year roommate and I would drink to just about anything before we went out (which was definitely four days a week at least freshman year)…old high school teachers, how many times Flava Flav screamed “yeahhhhh boyyyy” (Flavor of Love was a popular show, remember?). Fraternities have perfected the art of pulling a random drinking game out of their asses when the party gets slow…“Oh let’s drink whenever we see a penis on chat roulette!”
2. Quarters are like gold. Think laundry, but even more importantly…quarter bottles. I could keep going…McDonald’s $1 menu, tips at the bars, playing quarters, etc.
3. And speaking of that, as much as we piss and moan, the bars are actually cheap. I freak out if I see a drink more than $6, so how I’m going to survive in the real world of bars is beyond me. Never again will we experience pint nights, pitchers and pies, or Cactus cups for less than $2.
4. I would fret in high school if I wasn’t in bed before midnight. If I’m in bed before 3 a.m. I feel I’ve accomplished something. Also, the beds may be “extra long” but they are not equally as wide.
5. Three big cups of water and two Advil before bed cure any hangover. The trick is remembering to do it, or having the motor skills to complete that task.
6. If you are in a sorority, you won’t have any idea at first how to pose for pictures. You will quickly be taught the srat pose…there are three options. The sorority squat (hands on the knees ladies!), the head tilt to one side, and the most infamous…the one hand on your hip.
7. When you graduate, this type of drinking schedule will be called alcoholism.
8. Checking your mailbox was never such a self-esteem breaker or booster.
9. It’s normal to walk in after a night out and find your best friend passed out face-first on a waffle.

10.  HotBox cheese is honestly addicting, so much so I have taken it upon myself to invest in a can after school. It can be found at Costco, is called “Que Bueno” cheese, and in reality, is only 33 percent cheese (thanks Google). What the rest of it is? Liquid crack and bad decisions.

Truthfully? These four years will be one of the best, hardest, most fun, and most hilarious times you’ll ever have. Does college prepare you for the real world? Absolutely not. Will you come out a better person? You will if you have learned from your friends and sorority sisters or fraternities brothers like I have. They’re all you need to survive college, other than a reliable alarm clock (one girl in our house has the “Shake Awake” used by deaf individuals) and the ability to realize that you won’t look back on college remembering the good and bad grades, or how hard you studied. You’ll remember the times you had with friends, especially your Greek cohorts: the going out, Spring Breaks, nights in, philanthropies, turning 21, Breakfast Club, basketball games, philanthropies…and maybe even swimming in the John Purdue fountain. College comes to an end a lot more quickly than you’d imagine (unless you’re one of those creepy 6^th years that still hang around the frats…) so drop what you’re doing, go out with your friends, and stop worrying about the things you won’t think twice about ten, twenty, or fifty years from now. And quit complaining when I request the Electric Slide at Where Else. Boiler up!!

Grab Some Kleenex…

After watching Marley and Me for the first time this week, my friends and I started chatting about the saddest movies we’ve ever seen. I realize this is totally downer, but I would like to point out that most of these movies are excellent films (Philadelphia especially). Did you know most sad movies include a dying parent or a dying dog? Top 20 Tearjerkers, at your service…(and in no particular order)

1. Simon Birch: Add together an icy lake, a sleepy bus driver, and a courageous small kid who accidently killed his best friend’s mom, and you get one of the most sad movies I’ve ever seen. When Simon drowns saving the lives of the church children and you don’t cry, that’s about the point you realize you have no soul.
2. I Am Legend: Now debuting the first of many dog-involved sad movies. When Will Smith’s German Shepherd dies, his only friend left in the entire world (quite literally) is never coming back.
3. A Walk to Remember: I normally can’t take Mandy Moore seriously singing or acting, but when her character dies in this movie, I think it was probably the first time I ever cried in a theater. It was also totally an 8^th grade movie date movie though, so maybe emotions were running high.
4. Philadelphia: By far, besides Simon Birch, the only movie I have actually sobbed during. Tom Hanks’ character is dying of HIV and when his family and partner are saying goodbye in the hospital, it’s terribly depressing, but then his brother bursts into tears and falls into him; he can’t even say anything. Guarantee that’s when you’ll cry the most. However, unlike some of the choices on this list, this is actually a great movie on its own.
5. Homeward Bound: UGH when Shadow the lovable Golden Retriever can’t get out of the mud pit. You think he’s so old and helpless, when in reality they probably hired the most limber Golden Retriever actor they could find. And he was probably trying to escape chocolate pudding, not some muddy hole. Still, have you ever felt so helpless as a child!?
6. Saving Private Ryan: When Miller gives Private Ryan his final orders. I’m pretty sure even guys cry at this.
7. Ghost: When Patrick Swayze actually goes to Heaven, or when Demi Moore feels the ghost of her husband.
8. Titanic: The first R-rated movie I ever was allowed to watch! Yeah yeah, we get it, “I’ll never let go Jack.”
9. Forrest Gump: There are several sad parts in this movie, but perhaps the most sad part was when Jenny dies, leaving Forrest and their child, and they’re standing over her grave at the end.

10.  Old Yeller: Duh, when the dog dies. What is it about dogs?! Obviously they are far superior to cats, because I’ve never really seen a movie that capitalizes on the sadness of a cat dying.

11.  I Am Sam: The whole movie is really depressing, but the entire court case is really difficult to watch.

12.  My Girl: Oh. My. Lord. When Veda is dragged away from a sickly Macaulay Culkin’s casket (“THOMAS JAY THOMAS JAY! But he can’t see without his glasses! He can’t see!”), you think of your best guy friend and you just lose it. Plus the whole movie is surrounded by death. Veda has a dead mother, her father works in a funeral home, and Thomas Jay dies from a bee sting attack. Downer.

13.  Bambi: When Bambi’s mom dies, this is totally self-explanatory. I think this was the first movie I probably ever cried watching. Growing up in the woods sucks.

14.  P.S. I Love You: A deceased husband planned ahead and sends heartfelt notes from the grave, what could be happier than that? Call this movie sappy or a chick flick, but it has a seriously sad damper over the entirety of the movie.

15.  Stepmom: When Susan Sarandon dies of cancer, and when they come to her room for their Christmas gifts. Add watching this movie with your mom into the mix, and there won’t be a dry eye in the house.

16.  Lion King: Why do I so vividly remember Scar clawing into Mufasa’s paw and letting go? I’ll never look at wildebeasts the same again. Actually I’ve never even seen a wildebeast so nevermind.

17.  Pay It Forward: When kind little Haley Joel Osment gets stabbed by the mean gang members in his school. I remember crying so much that my dad had to justify that he probably wouldn’t have died anyway in real life (“Erin, he was stabbed in the stomach, he would’ve had plenty of time to get to the hospital”). And he was just trying to spread kindness! Thanks for the emotional appeal.

18.  Marley and Me: Just watched this for my first time this week, and laughed at the idea of crying about a dog. But when Owen Wilson is putting Marley to sleep and touching every part of him, trying to memorize his paws, tail, ugh…I bawled. Throw sad kids into the mix and you’ve got a tearjerker.

19.  E.T.: Call it an odd choice (my sister won’t even watch E.T. she’s so scared of it), but when Elliot thinks E.T. has died at the end, my heart melts and the tears start flowing.

20. Boyz ‘N the Hood: When Doughboy takes his half-brother home after he was gunned down in a drive-by.

Airport Anthropology

After reading last week’s ever-scintillating articles, I’m going to outdo myself and write something equally as fascinating. Forgive the senior in me. Good news is, I did not save more money on my car insurance, but I did lose a lot of weight by drinking last week… thanks Odyssey! People watching is my all-time favorite sport, and the best arena for it is el aeropuerto, no matter which one you’re in. After forgoing a traditional road trip (heard I missed 23 hours of people screaming, “Ooookeeeechhoooobeeeee”) to Frat Laud for Spring Brah (is that fratspeak? or simply Fast Times at Ridgemont High?) and receiving the blessed birthday gift of a plane ticket, I was recently able to ponder the below statements. Ladies and gentlemen, the most fascinating airport personalities…

1. Those rockin’ the SARS masks: SARS died off in the early 2000’s right? So why do people still find it necessary to wear this thin layer of protection when traveling? All we can see is how much they blink, and it makes me feel like I am a dirty disease carrier since I’m not wearing one…they’re obviously protecting themselves from the un-masked individuals. I get it, the bacon flu is still out to get us, and airports are probably the germiest places on earth, besides that one guy in your house you won’t play beer pong with. So maybe they’re ahead of the next deadly-virus game, but it still doesn’t excuse the creepiness level.
2. Church groups who have never flown before: They’re likely going on a mission trip, and they’re probably wearing some sort of khakis and a collared shirt, matching, with nametags. The age group most popularly seems to be high school kids, and for some reason, I see a lot of innocent flirting occurring before the actual plane-boarding process…backpack hiding, shoulder touching, and in rare cases, games of tag. They’re going somewhere exotic (Ecuador, Somalia) so hey, why not let their hair down?
3. That person who always has to get off the plane first, even if they’re in the back: When you hear the unmistakable ding of the unfasten seatbelt sound, most people stay seated, the aisle seat will sometimes stand up for leg-stretching sake, but then you have the go-getter, most often not seated towards the front of the plane. They have gathered their magazines, water bottle, what have you, and opened the overhead bin faster than you could throw the airplane blanket off of you. Their carry ons are attached to the hip, and they’re squeezing around people to get to the front of the line. I’m always doubtful these people are even making a connection (though I have been this person at one point…ten minutes to connect and my speedy deplaning allowed me enough time to get a CinnaMonster…BAM!). I think they’re just anal.
4. High school or small college athletic teams: Generally traveling in big packs, generally men (though the softball teams are unmistakable…so many French braids!) with clean-cut hair and bad shoes. They always wear headphones too. And have duffle bags; rarely backpacks. They migrate together and can often be spotted having lunch or dinner at the airport Chili’s.
5. Families with emo kids: There’s always one in the family, never multiple, and the family is generally doing something normal like looking at the newsstand, playing cards together, reading while they wait, getting caramel corn (why are there always popcorn stands in airports?!). This kid, along with their black and insert-bright-ironic-color-here hair color and slumped against a wall, knees up, listening to music on their massive headphones. Those passing by can usually hear their music loud and clear. They simply do not want to go on vacation. Imagine them on a cruise, or doing a family horse back ride on the beach? Oh well, mom packed extra sunblock.
6. The person you’re afraid to fall asleep around when you’re sitting next to them: On my way back from Florida, I was blessedly seated in an exit row. I was also thinking, five minutes before we were due to take off, that I would have an open seat next to me. Not the case. A woman with a head full of scrunchies (I said head full…) blasted onto the plane, bawling, chunky black eyelashes leaking mascara down her cheeks. She parked herself next to me. She was wearing five sweaters (a Florida resident), was twitching, and mumbling, “there is a God” over and over. The flight attendant asked if we were okay in an exit row…she responded that she couldn’t help if we were over an ocean “due to her past life.” She also asked the flight attendant if he was the captain of the plane and if she could see the inside of the cockpit. She promptly ordered two beers, popped some pills, and asked me to read her the time on her watch. I woke up to find her leaning forward and looking at me, unblinking. I’ve also sat near a man who claimed to be receiving satellite signals from aliens (you can’t make this stuff up), kept hitting his head against the window, and putting ice cubes in the highly-hairsprayed hair of the woman in the seat in front of him. He was arrested when we got off the plane.

Published: March 31, 2010

True Life: There is a Real World

I’m tired of everyone asking me what my plans for next year include. No I do not have a job yet, and I have been passive-aggressively procrastinating (let’s hear it for alliteration!) on the job search…I just don’t want to tell you that. Is it normal to A. never want to graduate, B. graduate and just live at my lake house, skiing and hammocking my days away, C. take an extended trip to some place outside of the United States that has many beaches, or D. want to have a job as a permanent guest star (new girlfriend for Dennis?) on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?

The fact of the matter is, those of us graduating in May will have been in school for 16 years. Approximately four of those years have been spent in college. And for the women reading this paper, at least two have been spent living in a sorority. There are some big changes moving from a sorority to your own house, apartment, Hooverville…

1. You have to do your own dishes, clean your own bathroom, make your own meals. Forget having a late plate waiting in the fridge when you come back from that hard day at the office. Gone are the days of doing your laundry in the basement of your house (fo’ free!), and you will probably not (unless you are me) have five different kinds of cereal to choose from.
2. People will not gather in droves to watch mundane/terrible/guilty pleasure shows such as The Bachelor. You will have to watch them alone, which might feel pathetic, and you’ll have no one to trade ideas or opinions with. I come home from Wine Appreciation (hooray senior year) every Monday night to discover incessant chatter and a large crowd of girls cheering for Tenley to win Jake’s heart. I am convinced that Jake is not only incredibly vapid, but that in the season finale he probably will run out of batteries and shut down at the altar. That’s what happens to robots when they spend too much time in the fantasy suite. I digress. See, it’s very easy for someone who doesn’t even like these shows to get sucked in while living in a sorority…you’ll miss these bonding experiences while living on your own.
3. Putting on all the extras. This means you won’t have to shower with flip flops! Not having to wear clothes everywhere! No dressing up on certain days! I guess I’m a minimalist at heart.
4. Not sleeping with 80 girls. I’m personally looking forward to leaving my choice child-railing adorned top bunk for a queen-sized bed of my own. And I’m also looking forward to not sleeping with an emergency exit light glowing green over me. I will miss Mary our cold air ghost, though.
5. It will probably be refreshing to not hear a multitude of different music choices (most of them reminiscent of a 12-year-old’s bat mitzvah) blaring on Thursday evenings. No more “ShotsSHOTSshotsSHOTSshotsshotsEVERYBODY.” If only the Electric Slide played as often as Chris Brown did in Theta. Wouldn’t that be fun? Living on your own, you’ll get to pick your music. Mine will not just be the music. Should you ever visit my humble abode, you can expect everything from the opening scene of Mrs. Doubtfire, including the soccer cake, the pony in my house, and me and my friends dancing on a table to House of Pain’s “Jump Around.”

Published: March 3, 2010

Ode to the Flying Tomato

As I sit in front of the fuzzy TV at Theta wondering why no one can replace the batteries in the remote, I’m anxiously awaiting the appearance of my future husband, Shaun White. My athlete crush used to be Robbie Hummel, but sorry Rob, I’m moving on to Shaun. Perhaps it’s the distinguished bone structure, the smattering of freckles, or the unmistakable mess of red curly hair. Or maybe it’s just how great he is at snowboarding, skateboarding, saving orphans, adopting shelter animals, solving world hunger. Whatever it is about him that’s making a select few girls in my house (especially me!) fall for Shaun, here are some things you didn’t know about him…and please pray he never sees this because I’ll never have a chance due to the restraining order he’s sure to file.

And keep watching the Olympics! God knows must of us will never have a chance to compete in the Summer Olympics, but the Winter Olympics have those everyman (and woman) sports, like uh…well, I can only think of curling. If you win a shuffleboard contest on a family vacation doesn’t that sort of automatically make you at least potentially good at curling? Maybe you’ll see me in 2016?

1. Shaun has a private halfpipe carved into a Silverton Mountain in Colorado, built especially for him, and only him, by Red Bull. You (eh, I guess he) can only get there by helicopter or snowmobile. It has a foam pit for him to test new tricks. Makes Shaq’s in-house basketball court look pretty vanilla huh?
2. He doesn’t like being called the “Flying Tomato.” He used to embrace it, rocking headbands with a cartoon flying tomato, but now he prefers “animal” after the Muppets character (the resemblance is uncanny) and was just recently called the “Red Zeppelin.”
3. He won a car before he was even legal age to drive. He currently owns a Lamborghini and had another one, but he totaled it after hitting a tree.
4. He met Tony Hawk at the age of nine, and Hawk believed from that day on that Shaun would go on to be an amazing athlete. Hawk isn’t shy about telling people he believes Shaun is the world’s greatest athlete now. They live next door to one another in Southern California.
5. He was born with a congenital heart defect for which he endured two open-heart operations before the age of one. Doesn’t that just make him even more badass? Look at him now! Go Shaun, go!

And, I’m still waiting to see the final men’s snowboarding halfpipe. Lindsey Vonn just won women’s downhill (go girl! she worked so hard for it, respect). and I have decided I must hit the slopes, even if it’s heading up to Michigan…I’m itching to ski before winter’s over. Perhaps I can convince the pledge class to go out to Colorado instead of Frat Lauderdale for Spring Break? Dream on…that’s about as likely as Shaun White taking me on a private tour of his halfpipe. Read that how you want to.

Published: February 24, 2010

Chat Rouletting Your Life Away

Chat Roulette is here to stay. This Web site allows people with Webcam capabilities to turn on their camera, and click through a random assortment of other people and do what the site advertises: chat. Or show body parts. Or “perform” for people. I don’t just mean this in a bad way…the other day my friends and I stumbled across an attractively normal guy who took song requests and serenaded us on his guitar! Logging on to chatroulette.com is like dipping your hand into a grab bag full of dirty old men, sexually repressed teenage boys, foreign exchange students, frat-tastic bros gathered around a Keystone-soaked laptop, and giggling girl groups. Throw in a little bit of masked humans (whether or not these individuals are human is debatable) and you’ve got yourself Chat Roulette in a nutshell. Haven’t tried your hand at Chat Roulette yet? I would say you have no life, but it seems oxymoronic considering about a solid 90 percent of Chat Roulette losers are on the Website for the same reason. It’s a fun thing to do while drinking, after coming home from the bars, or for a self-esteem boost if you’re that desperate (pending you’re not actually showing body parts- come on, that’s the easy way out). So, some tips to survive in the cruel, cruel Chat Roulette world.

1. Don’t Chat Roulette alone. This looks incredibly desperate and usually always looks creepy, especially if you’re a guy. You’ll come across a lot of emo folk, who are likely choosing to be alone, but if you’re in a frat/srat I would hope you could find a few friends to experience the creepy world of the Internets with. Remember the days of A/S/L (age, sex, location for those of you who didn’t wreak havoc in chat rooms as a young adult)? Chat Roulette is A/S/L in your face. One of the first things people will ask you is where you’re from. Lie. Your sex is hopefully apparent (unless you were one of the creep status people in the days of chat rooms who responded to “sex” as “yes, please”…you were in eight grade, give me a break.), and your age as well. Fake names are always good too. If someone says they are from Texas and have a terrible accent, they are probably lying. I have gathered that most foreigners on Chat Roulette say they’re from Texas to create that “Oh-my-god-we’re-from-the-United-States-too!!! Eee!” bond with unsuspecting sorority girls. Do what you will with Mr. Texas who has a Norwegian flag hanging in his room (Hunter, here’s your shout out, I know you’re faking being from Texas because you don’t have an accent). Also, if someone is from NYC, don’t ask what borough they live in to make conversation. Apparently this is a totally outdated question and you will be laughed at and considered moronic (shows how much I know).
2. You’re gonna see some um, parts. We have to keep it as G-rated as possible in The Odyssey, but just prepare yourself. It’s safe to say one in every seven clicks are of these parts in use. Also, if you are a female, your parts will be solicited. Chat Roulette is not all a meat marketplace though…some people actually want to have a conversation.
3. Lower your expectations: I have been trying to find an intercambio partner to practice Spanish with each time I get on Chat Roulette (there are a lot of people from Europe, Asia, etc.), much to the annoyance of my friends I Roulette with. That’s not a fun game for people apparently. I will begin to speak Spanish and they ask for “tetas.” No, I do not want to show you my tetas, I want to practice my Spanish minor. If you’re a guy, I can’t really imagine why you would want to go Rouletting, other than to have a laugh or two.
4. This is the opportunity for a great drinking game. Many people around the common hours of pre-game are drinking while Rouletting. Some consider this a sport…taking shots with strangers from around the globe is a great way to get liquored up before heading to the bars. How international.
5. Don’t take getting skipped over too hard. You have the option to press the skip button to move on to the next Rouletter. Girls always skip girls. I got some quotes from people on what they thought about Chat Roulette for this story, and I literally had to scream “WAIT WAIT WAIT!” to any group of girls we came across. After trying to explain to my friend Blair why I had paused on a really weird guy with a mask (“Come on, just open yourself up to a new opportunity”) we had accidently pressed skip and I was overheard by a group of girls saying that. We were skipped faster than people run to the dance floor at the Cactus when “Cupid Shuffle” comes on. People on Chat Roulette have the right to be picky…you are when you’re on it, so don’t get offended.
6. If you see the Jonas Brothers (or think you do) it’s likely a hoax. I’m trying to get to the bottom of this, because a group of girls in Theta claim (and I heard the screaming) that the Jonas Brothers had Chat Rouletted them. However, doing research for this story, I came across many an Internet tale about people seeing the Jonas Brothers on Chat Roulette. So real or faux? Guess you’ll have to see to find out.

Now for my Chat Roulette quotes. I asked fellow Rouletters what they thought about the whole Chat Roulette experience, and received some interesting feedback (I asked them to give me fake names):

“Chat Roulette is for rapists. I’m going to be a pilot, but I couldn’t get into Purdue because of my grades.” –David from Embry-Riddle

“Sooooooo creepy. Not you, Chat Roulette. So fun! Wee! Have a good night!” –Amanda HugandKiss and Seymour Butts (very original girls)

“Ham sandwich, ham sandwich, ham sandwich that’s what my brains feel like.” – Matt from Loyola

“I go to SUNY. I don’t even know where Purdue is, I barely know where Indiana is. Born and raised in New York, it’s the only state I care about. If there weren’t so many [parts] (edited for content!) on Chat Roulette it’d be a lot better.” – Mike from SUNY

“Do you know what it would’ve been like to live during the Civil War? You were more likely to die from syphilis than battle wounds. That’s what it’s like for a guy to be on Chat Roulette.” – Gollum (uh, yeah) from California

Published: February 17, 2010

Doppelgäng Bang

Last week we witnessed what the miracles of social networking can bring to Facebook; celebrity doppelganger week. People everywhere were making their profile pictures their celebrity look-a-like. And since most of you aren’t English majors, doppelganger is German for double, or look-a-like. Some called it a chance to “dream big” (does choosing your best-looking celebrity match make you conceited?) while others deemed it depressing (too many people I know look like Saved By The Bell cast members circa early 90s).

I happen to have an incredible knack for picking people’s celebrity look-a-likes, except for myself. I stumbled across this handy Website, myheritage.com, and waited an eternity to upload my photo and see my match (the site actually had a warning that they were handling “Doppelganger Week” and to expect delays). My matches came back as Jessica Simpson (lies. I think hair color is about all we have in common), Kate Bosworth (that girl from Blue Crush), and Sarah Jessica Parker (funny, I don’t remember uploading a picture of a horse?), and some Russian ballet dancer from the 1920s. Oh, and let’s not forget Keanu Reeves. Can I get a “what on Earth?!” already?

Maybe you can use doppelganger week to get in that Valentine’s Day mood; be a creepy weirdo and search through your Facebook friends until you find that “celebrity” you’ve always dreamt of sharing a special moment with (be it a warm shot of McCormick’s or dinner and a movie) and ask them to be your Valentine. Or it could be a role-playing game if you’re already a couple (I once dated a Burt Reynolds look-a-like, ha!). Ah, the brilliant ideas that come pouring out of my mind when I’m an hour past Odyssey deadline!

Some people’s doppelgangers would be easy to pick out; so easy that you may not even notice they change their profile picture. A butch female gym teacher easily would pass for Michael Cera. The kind, bearded man who used to work at Hotbox and is now employed at Where Else? is obviously Zach Galifianakis. The place I had an internship this summer was like working on the set of “Lost,” especially in the shipping department where there were twins of Hurley and Sayid. I’m just waiting to find me a Christian Bale or Kevin Costner doppelganger…yum.

Published February 10, 2010

Paul Shirley’s Rant Against Haiti

After being incredibly ill for a long while over the weekend and having a lot of alone time at Theta since most of the seniors’ agendas are bars bars bars, I was busy sleuthing for some “laughable” things to brighten my mood. What I found was indeed laughable; some honestly funny (new Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown’s “Cosmopolitan” photo shoot anyone?), and one so atrocious it has to be laughed at. I’ve been in a pensive, reach outside of West Lafayette sort of mood lately, to the point where my NetFlix queue has become pages of documentaries, and while I realize my articles usually are lighthearted, I have to mention this.

Paul Shirley, an NBA player who most recently played for the Suns and Bulls (and now plays for Unicaja Málaga in Spain) spends part of his career as a “writer.” He recently wrote a long blog entry for FlipCollective.com (see the link at the bottom of the story to read it) about the consequences the Haiti earthquake has caused for the country and its people.

Here is a tidbit of the blog entry; it’s a proposed letter that Shirley would like to send to the Haitians:

“Dear Haitians –

First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.

As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World”

Shirley moves on to ask, “Shouldn’t much of the responsibility for the disaster lie with the victims of that disaster? I understand that it is difficult to plan for the aftermath of an earthquake. However, it is not outside the realm of imagination to think that the citizens of a country might be able to: A) avoid putting themselves into a situation that might result in such catastrophic loss of life.  And B) provide for their own aid, in the event of such a catastrophe.”

Yes, Paul. Haitians chose to live on a fault line, so they could put themselves in as much danger as possible. They had the ability to predict which buildings would fall and when, and how many lives would be lost. They possessed the governmental infrastructure and funding to engineer sound, earthquake-proof buildings. Are there social issues in Haiti that have made the after effects of the earthquake worse? Yes. But does that justify holding out on aid as a form of punishment because their country couldn’t pull itself out of third world status before the quake hit? My hope for Haiti is that the basic human instincts of love and compassion (whether it is in the form of a monetary or material donation, prayer, volunteering effort, etc.) will continue to surpass moronic negativity like Shirley has so very well illustrated.

Read the article here: http://www.flipcollective.com/2010/01/26/if-you-rebuild-it-they-will-come-by-paul-shirley/

Published: February 3, 2010

Trying My Hand at Astrology

Since the horoscopes in The Odyssey tend to be pretty whack, allow me to personally predict your week based upon your sign’s characteristics (which I didn’t make up, I looked up). Yeah, it’s a slow week, and blatantly obvious which sign I am.

Aries: independent, generous, optimistic, enthusiastic, courageous, moody, short tempered, self-involved, impulsive, impatient. The Zumba sessions you’re holding in your cramped room are getting old and probably not helping sculpt that dream body of yours. Get out of your frat/srat and head to the Co-Rec, because there is a good chance you won’t be able to count on your courageous and impulsive attitude to win you friends over Spring Break. Bringing some sort of beer bong may help your cause.

Taurus: dependable, persistent, loyal, patient, generous, stubborn, lazy, possessive, materialistic, self-indulging. Dreaming of a far away place has you feeling like you’ll never escape the Greek life bubble you live in. Your heart isn’t into those beer pong games, the Sperrys, collared shirts, and the sense of entitlement towards fraternities and liquor. And if you have to hear “Tik Tok” one more time you might crack yourself over the head with a Jake’s Mega Mug. So self-indulge in something materialistic. Warm nuts from Harry’s perhaps?

Gemini: energetic, clever, imaginative, witty, adaptable, superficial, impulsive, restless, devious, indecisive. You really must stop watching Jersey Shore every waking hour. You need a shower, your schoolwork isn’t finished, and in the spare time you spend watching Snooki/Snickers/Snooks/Schnickums getting punched in the face on repeat, you could be helping others. Get off your futon and use your energy to volunteer at a soup kitchen or animal shelter.

Cancer: loyal, dependable, caring, adaptable, responsive, moody, clingy, self-pitying, oversensitive, self-absorbed. Eek, trouble in significant other land! Whether it be a shack gone awry or not getting asked to a Greek formal, you’re a bit down in the dumps, oh sensitive Cancer. Thursday night will see good prospects for future love; bond over a shot of warm grape McCormick’s, and he/she will be all yours by the end of the evening.

Leo: confident, ambitious, generous, loyal, encouraging, pretentious, domineering, melodramatic, stubborn, vain. Things are looking good for you on the job front this week as an internship opportunity or way to make some extra money this semester arises. As ambitious as you are, proceed with caution; really consider if you can handle being a kitchen boy or cleaning tanning beds…will your vainness get in the way or your strong work ethic?

Virgo: analytical, observant, helpful, reliable, precise, skeptical, fussy, inflexible, cold, interfering. Your friends miss you. Holing yourself up in your room to work on homework or hang out with your significant other (your significant other can be a television series) is distancing you. Make an extra effort to go to a function with your friends this week, or hit the Cactus on Thursday; it will make you seem much less cold, and much more human.

Libra: diplomatic, graceful, peaceful, idealistic, hospitable, superficial, vain, indecisive, unreliable. Stop hiding the secret you’ve been keeping from everyone. It’s time to get all the skeletons out of the closet, no matter how many bags of chips you stole from your neighbors down the hall, or how long you’ve gone without showering. You’re diplomatic enough to express yourself and your secret in a calm and collected manner. Telling your friends while you’re at a neutral place like Steak-N-Shake may be a good idea.

Scorpio: loyal, passionate, resourceful, observant, dynamic, jealous, obsessive, suspicious, manipulative, unyielding. Your intensity is scaring people away. Whether is be your obsession with controlling the party room (no one wants to listen to your music), or demanding your pledge class go to the destination of your choice for Spring Break, your misplaced passion is out of control. Stop trying to manipulate the situation and go with the flow. Your house mom will thank you for it.

Sagittarius: independent, unemotional (the Website only had two, ha!). Luck will cross your path this week, so this is definitely the week you want to buy a lottery ticket, ask a professor for an extension on a deadline, or “poke” that babe you’ve always wanted to (on Facebook…). However, attempting to get into the bars underage is not advised, as Jake’s bouncers will be looking out for reckless Sagittariuses this week.

Capricorn: responsible, patient, ambitious, resourceful, loyal, dictatorial, inhibited, conceited, distrusting, unimaginative. We know, we know. You’re still upset about Lady GaGa not showing up last week (and hopefully she did yesterday!) and it caused you to blow all of your money on ridiculous things to make yourself feel better. Although a usually patient sign, you’re chomping at the bit to get out and experience life. Good news, now is your time.

Aquarius: witty, clever, humanitarian, inventive, original, stubborn, unemotional, sarcastic, rebellious, aloof. What may be considered to some as a week of crummy decisions will actually help you in the long run. It will bring you closer to your loved ones, and also provide for lots of good meals in the near future. So don’t regret your decision, love the fact that you, oh rebellious Aquarius, have such a fun-filled life.

Pisces: compassionate, adaptable, accepting, devoted, imaginative, oversensitive, indecisive, self-pitying, lazy, escapist. What a week for you! Lady GaGa invited you back stage (pending she shows up) and Dennis Reynolds from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia called and asked you to hang out!! Consider returning the wallet you found at Harry’s on Monday…the owner will be so happy they have it back that they let you keep all the money and will give you a gift certificate to Steak-N-Shake in thanks.

Curing the Winter Blues

At least nine months out of the year, Indiana is where we call our home; the most overcast state in the US. During Indiana winters, all I want to do is overdose on chips and dip and Chipotle, turn my electric blanket on high, and sleep the weeks away in cold air. So everyone needs a surefire way to beat the winter blues…drum roll please!

1. Watch the Winter Olympics, because Shark Week isn’t until August. There’s less than a month to go until your favorite winter events unfold in Vancouver. So really that’s snowboarding and figure skating, because who else (besides me) watches curling? And just to remind you, events you’ve probably forgotten existed (but that will make for “great” bar conversation if you’re “that guy” are skeleton, luge, curling (clearly), biathalon (cross-country skiing and rifle shooting ON SKIS cannot be easy) and bobsleigh. That is not a typo; it’s the official name. The Winter Olympics have been pretty under control for the past several years, so I’m just waiting for something astounding to happen this year. I’ll undoubtedly be drooling over Shaun White, and feeling my heart drop when the doubles figure skaters screw up their jumps (why I get caught up in that I’ll never know), but it’s time for some drama. Maybe a Kerrigan/Harding-esque war will ensue? Figure skating is ruthless.
2. Don’t watch “Avatar.” I was looking at cnn.com today and they have a featured article titled “Audiences experience ‘Avatar’ blues.” Apparently people who have seen the movie are depressed by the fact they cannot become part of the Pandora world to the point where many have contemplated suicide or become severely depressed. One man even went as far as to say that after he saw “Avatar” it seemed like his whole life had lost meaning. What on earth? I saw it over break and merely thought of it as a pretty good 21^st century excuse for Pocahontas. Other than my eyes crossing and getting a headache from the 3D glasses, I haven’t been affected in any way other than I won’t be buying it on DVD, but if you often find yourself fantasizing about getting out of frat/srat life and living amongst blue creatures, you could become even more depressed. Stick to a happier movie, like “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.” Woof. Seriously what is going on with the movie theater selection this winter?! Do yourself a favor and Netflix “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”
3. Go out. To the bars, a restaurant, wherever they serve whiskey/whisky/bourbon. When surrounded by friends and off your futon you’ll surely be happier, and any chance you can get to drink “warm” alcohol (hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps anyone?) will just multiply the fun and help you to forget about the miserable weather.
4. Buzzfeed.com. Be that friend with all the good YouTube videos.
5. I interviewed a couple people in my house as to how they “beat the winter blues,” the only answer I got was going out, except for Blair and Angela, who “Zumba in their room.” We’ll see how long this lasts, however, I would pay good money to see fraternity men dance and sweat to a Zumba workout.

Published: January 20, 2010