What I Learned in College

I’m going to go ahead and preface this by saying that most of what I learned in college was not a result of attending classes (though my 7:30 sex class freshman year was definitely attended). When my parents dropped me off freshman year, my sister handed me a wrapped package; it was a shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch (still wore it then, hmm, it’s a sign of the times) that said, “College: Never Really Awake, Never Really Asleep.” Also included was another shirt that simply said, “Careful, I had a bowl of bitchy for breakfast,” but I find this to be beside the point.

I laughed the college shirt off as bizarre, but now, four years later, I fully understand it. College has undoubtedly been the best time of my life thus far. I’m getting ready to move to Baton Rouge for Teach For America, so I’m sure that will at least be equally life changing, but there are different rules to play by in the real world. For example, I was pondering today whether or not pre-gaming would be considered normal before the bars. Is there every an age you’re just too “old” to bong a beer? I just imagine all my new cronies I meet in Cajun Country going to judge me when they come over to my house and see I have a beer bong laying out in the kitchen, ready to be used. Is there ever an age it’s time to put the bong away? Will they understand the life of a Northern sorority girl? I guess I can always take comfort in knowing anything and everything will be appropriate during Mardi Gras. So, for my last time, ladies and gentlemen….what I learned in college:

1. Anything can be made into a drinking game. My freshman year roommate and I would drink to just about anything before we went out (which was definitely four days a week at least freshman year)…old high school teachers, how many times Flava Flav screamed “yeahhhhh boyyyy” (Flavor of Love was a popular show, remember?). Fraternities have perfected the art of pulling a random drinking game out of their asses when the party gets slow…“Oh let’s drink whenever we see a penis on chat roulette!”
2. Quarters are like gold. Think laundry, but even more importantly…quarter bottles. I could keep going…McDonald’s $1 menu, tips at the bars, playing quarters, etc.
3. And speaking of that, as much as we piss and moan, the bars are actually cheap. I freak out if I see a drink more than $6, so how I’m going to survive in the real world of bars is beyond me. Never again will we experience pint nights, pitchers and pies, or Cactus cups for less than $2.
4. I would fret in high school if I wasn’t in bed before midnight. If I’m in bed before 3 a.m. I feel I’ve accomplished something. Also, the beds may be “extra long” but they are not equally as wide.
5. Three big cups of water and two Advil before bed cure any hangover. The trick is remembering to do it, or having the motor skills to complete that task.
6. If you are in a sorority, you won’t have any idea at first how to pose for pictures. You will quickly be taught the srat pose…there are three options. The sorority squat (hands on the knees ladies!), the head tilt to one side, and the most infamous…the one hand on your hip.
7. When you graduate, this type of drinking schedule will be called alcoholism.
8. Checking your mailbox was never such a self-esteem breaker or booster.
9. It’s normal to walk in after a night out and find your best friend passed out face-first on a waffle.

10.  HotBox cheese is honestly addicting, so much so I have taken it upon myself to invest in a can after school. It can be found at Costco, is called “Que Bueno” cheese, and in reality, is only 33 percent cheese (thanks Google). What the rest of it is? Liquid crack and bad decisions.

Truthfully? These four years will be one of the best, hardest, most fun, and most hilarious times you’ll ever have. Does college prepare you for the real world? Absolutely not. Will you come out a better person? You will if you have learned from your friends and sorority sisters or fraternities brothers like I have. They’re all you need to survive college, other than a reliable alarm clock (one girl in our house has the “Shake Awake” used by deaf individuals) and the ability to realize that you won’t look back on college remembering the good and bad grades, or how hard you studied. You’ll remember the times you had with friends, especially your Greek cohorts: the going out, Spring Breaks, nights in, philanthropies, turning 21, Breakfast Club, basketball games, philanthropies…and maybe even swimming in the John Purdue fountain. College comes to an end a lot more quickly than you’d imagine (unless you’re one of those creepy 6^th years that still hang around the frats…) so drop what you’re doing, go out with your friends, and stop worrying about the things you won’t think twice about ten, twenty, or fifty years from now. And quit complaining when I request the Electric Slide at Where Else. Boiler up!!