Chat Rouletting Your Life Away

Chat Roulette is here to stay. This Web site allows people with Webcam capabilities to turn on their camera, and click through a random assortment of other people and do what the site advertises: chat. Or show body parts. Or “perform” for people. I don’t just mean this in a bad way…the other day my friends and I stumbled across an attractively normal guy who took song requests and serenaded us on his guitar! Logging on to chatroulette.com is like dipping your hand into a grab bag full of dirty old men, sexually repressed teenage boys, foreign exchange students, frat-tastic bros gathered around a Keystone-soaked laptop, and giggling girl groups. Throw in a little bit of masked humans (whether or not these individuals are human is debatable) and you’ve got yourself Chat Roulette in a nutshell. Haven’t tried your hand at Chat Roulette yet? I would say you have no life, but it seems oxymoronic considering about a solid 90 percent of Chat Roulette losers are on the Website for the same reason. It’s a fun thing to do while drinking, after coming home from the bars, or for a self-esteem boost if you’re that desperate (pending you’re not actually showing body parts- come on, that’s the easy way out). So, some tips to survive in the cruel, cruel Chat Roulette world.

1. Don’t Chat Roulette alone. This looks incredibly desperate and usually always looks creepy, especially if you’re a guy. You’ll come across a lot of emo folk, who are likely choosing to be alone, but if you’re in a frat/srat I would hope you could find a few friends to experience the creepy world of the Internets with. Remember the days of A/S/L (age, sex, location for those of you who didn’t wreak havoc in chat rooms as a young adult)? Chat Roulette is A/S/L in your face. One of the first things people will ask you is where you’re from. Lie. Your sex is hopefully apparent (unless you were one of the creep status people in the days of chat rooms who responded to “sex” as “yes, please”…you were in eight grade, give me a break.), and your age as well. Fake names are always good too. If someone says they are from Texas and have a terrible accent, they are probably lying. I have gathered that most foreigners on Chat Roulette say they’re from Texas to create that “Oh-my-god-we’re-from-the-United-States-too!!! Eee!” bond with unsuspecting sorority girls. Do what you will with Mr. Texas who has a Norwegian flag hanging in his room (Hunter, here’s your shout out, I know you’re faking being from Texas because you don’t have an accent). Also, if someone is from NYC, don’t ask what borough they live in to make conversation. Apparently this is a totally outdated question and you will be laughed at and considered moronic (shows how much I know).
2. You’re gonna see some um, parts. We have to keep it as G-rated as possible in The Odyssey, but just prepare yourself. It’s safe to say one in every seven clicks are of these parts in use. Also, if you are a female, your parts will be solicited. Chat Roulette is not all a meat marketplace though…some people actually want to have a conversation.
3. Lower your expectations: I have been trying to find an intercambio partner to practice Spanish with each time I get on Chat Roulette (there are a lot of people from Europe, Asia, etc.), much to the annoyance of my friends I Roulette with. That’s not a fun game for people apparently. I will begin to speak Spanish and they ask for “tetas.” No, I do not want to show you my tetas, I want to practice my Spanish minor. If you’re a guy, I can’t really imagine why you would want to go Rouletting, other than to have a laugh or two.
4. This is the opportunity for a great drinking game. Many people around the common hours of pre-game are drinking while Rouletting. Some consider this a sport…taking shots with strangers from around the globe is a great way to get liquored up before heading to the bars. How international.
5. Don’t take getting skipped over too hard. You have the option to press the skip button to move on to the next Rouletter. Girls always skip girls. I got some quotes from people on what they thought about Chat Roulette for this story, and I literally had to scream “WAIT WAIT WAIT!” to any group of girls we came across. After trying to explain to my friend Blair why I had paused on a really weird guy with a mask (“Come on, just open yourself up to a new opportunity”) we had accidently pressed skip and I was overheard by a group of girls saying that. We were skipped faster than people run to the dance floor at the Cactus when “Cupid Shuffle” comes on. People on Chat Roulette have the right to be picky…you are when you’re on it, so don’t get offended.
6. If you see the Jonas Brothers (or think you do) it’s likely a hoax. I’m trying to get to the bottom of this, because a group of girls in Theta claim (and I heard the screaming) that the Jonas Brothers had Chat Rouletted them. However, doing research for this story, I came across many an Internet tale about people seeing the Jonas Brothers on Chat Roulette. So real or faux? Guess you’ll have to see to find out.

Now for my Chat Roulette quotes. I asked fellow Rouletters what they thought about the whole Chat Roulette experience, and received some interesting feedback (I asked them to give me fake names):

“Chat Roulette is for rapists. I’m going to be a pilot, but I couldn’t get into Purdue because of my grades.” –David from Embry-Riddle

“Sooooooo creepy. Not you, Chat Roulette. So fun! Wee! Have a good night!” –Amanda HugandKiss and Seymour Butts (very original girls)

“Ham sandwich, ham sandwich, ham sandwich that’s what my brains feel like.” – Matt from Loyola

“I go to SUNY. I don’t even know where Purdue is, I barely know where Indiana is. Born and raised in New York, it’s the only state I care about. If there weren’t so many [parts] (edited for content!) on Chat Roulette it’d be a lot better.” – Mike from SUNY

“Do you know what it would’ve been like to live during the Civil War? You were more likely to die from syphilis than battle wounds. That’s what it’s like for a guy to be on Chat Roulette.” – Gollum (uh, yeah) from California

Published: February 17, 2010