Since the horoscopes in The Odyssey tend to be pretty whack, allow me to personally predict your week based upon your sign’s characteristics (which I didn’t make up, I looked up). Yeah, it’s a slow week, and blatantly obvious which sign I am.
Aries: independent, generous, optimistic, enthusiastic, courageous, moody, short tempered, self-involved, impulsive, impatient. The Zumba sessions you’re holding in your cramped room are getting old and probably not helping sculpt that dream body of yours. Get out of your frat/srat and head to the Co-Rec, because there is a good chance you won’t be able to count on your courageous and impulsive attitude to win you friends over Spring Break. Bringing some sort of beer bong may help your cause.
Taurus: dependable, persistent, loyal, patient, generous, stubborn, lazy, possessive, materialistic, self-indulging. Dreaming of a far away place has you feeling like you’ll never escape the Greek life bubble you live in. Your heart isn’t into those beer pong games, the Sperrys, collared shirts, and the sense of entitlement towards fraternities and liquor. And if you have to hear “Tik Tok” one more time you might crack yourself over the head with a Jake’s Mega Mug. So self-indulge in something materialistic. Warm nuts from Harry’s perhaps?
Gemini: energetic, clever, imaginative, witty, adaptable, superficial, impulsive, restless, devious, indecisive. You really must stop watching Jersey Shore every waking hour. You need a shower, your schoolwork isn’t finished, and in the spare time you spend watching Snooki/Snickers/Snooks/Schnickums getting punched in the face on repeat, you could be helping others. Get off your futon and use your energy to volunteer at a soup kitchen or animal shelter.
Cancer: loyal, dependable, caring, adaptable, responsive, moody, clingy, self-pitying, oversensitive, self-absorbed. Eek, trouble in significant other land! Whether it be a shack gone awry or not getting asked to a Greek formal, you’re a bit down in the dumps, oh sensitive Cancer. Thursday night will see good prospects for future love; bond over a shot of warm grape McCormick’s, and he/she will be all yours by the end of the evening.
Leo: confident, ambitious, generous, loyal, encouraging, pretentious, domineering, melodramatic, stubborn, vain. Things are looking good for you on the job front this week as an internship opportunity or way to make some extra money this semester arises. As ambitious as you are, proceed with caution; really consider if you can handle being a kitchen boy or cleaning tanning beds…will your vainness get in the way or your strong work ethic?
Virgo: analytical, observant, helpful, reliable, precise, skeptical, fussy, inflexible, cold, interfering. Your friends miss you. Holing yourself up in your room to work on homework or hang out with your significant other (your significant other can be a television series) is distancing you. Make an extra effort to go to a function with your friends this week, or hit the Cactus on Thursday; it will make you seem much less cold, and much more human.
Libra: diplomatic, graceful, peaceful, idealistic, hospitable, superficial, vain, indecisive, unreliable. Stop hiding the secret you’ve been keeping from everyone. It’s time to get all the skeletons out of the closet, no matter how many bags of chips you stole from your neighbors down the hall, or how long you’ve gone without showering. You’re diplomatic enough to express yourself and your secret in a calm and collected manner. Telling your friends while you’re at a neutral place like Steak-N-Shake may be a good idea.
Scorpio: loyal, passionate, resourceful, observant, dynamic, jealous, obsessive, suspicious, manipulative, unyielding. Your intensity is scaring people away. Whether is be your obsession with controlling the party room (no one wants to listen to your music), or demanding your pledge class go to the destination of your choice for Spring Break, your misplaced passion is out of control. Stop trying to manipulate the situation and go with the flow. Your house mom will thank you for it.
Sagittarius: independent, unemotional (the Website only had two, ha!). Luck will cross your path this week, so this is definitely the week you want to buy a lottery ticket, ask a professor for an extension on a deadline, or “poke” that babe you’ve always wanted to (on Facebook…). However, attempting to get into the bars underage is not advised, as Jake’s bouncers will be looking out for reckless Sagittariuses this week.
Capricorn: responsible, patient, ambitious, resourceful, loyal, dictatorial, inhibited, conceited, distrusting, unimaginative. We know, we know. You’re still upset about Lady GaGa not showing up last week (and hopefully she did yesterday!) and it caused you to blow all of your money on ridiculous things to make yourself feel better. Although a usually patient sign, you’re chomping at the bit to get out and experience life. Good news, now is your time.
Aquarius: witty, clever, humanitarian, inventive, original, stubborn, unemotional, sarcastic, rebellious, aloof. What may be considered to some as a week of crummy decisions will actually help you in the long run. It will bring you closer to your loved ones, and also provide for lots of good meals in the near future. So don’t regret your decision, love the fact that you, oh rebellious Aquarius, have such a fun-filled life.
Pisces: compassionate, adaptable, accepting, devoted, imaginative, oversensitive, indecisive, self-pitying, lazy, escapist. What a week for you! Lady GaGa invited you back stage (pending she shows up) and Dennis Reynolds from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia called and asked you to hang out!! Consider returning the wallet you found at Harry’s on Monday…the owner will be so happy they have it back that they let you keep all the money and will give you a gift certificate to Steak-N-Shake in thanks.
In Case You Didn't Ask... 